


अनानास का किसान [Pineapple Farmer]

by kyungsoo_sama (orphan_account)



Category: EXO (Band), GOT7
Genre: Crack, Drabble, M/M, Oneshot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-03 18:18:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6621256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/kyungsoo_sama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sehun just wanted a pineapple. What he got was much more. crack!au</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> to recipient, who might or might not read this work, i love you for giving me this idea. i truly love you. this is my first completed work of fanfiction and i can't say much more than a big I LOVE YOU!!!! to selubration mods, thank you sosososososo much for giving me an oppurtunity to adopt one of your OLDDD prompts, and to work on it. I love you. This might not be as "cracky" as you want it to be, but i'm thankful for your extremely open-ended prompt, which helped me immensely. to readers, I really love you guys for coming over to see what this is all about<3  
> warnings: Lots and lots of pineapple, stupid sehun, rude luhan, rude zitao[tho he's my bias], dumbass kris and dumbass yeol, fic is disjointed af, read this at the risk of your IQ
> 
> This was for an old prompt from [selubration](selubration.livejournal.com) round 2 (#30)  
> Important note: This work has been crossposted on [Livejournal](http://kyungsoo-sama.livejournal.com/1301.html) and [AFF.](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1117988)

*  
  
It was just another day at _Ananas_ farm. Rustling sounds are heard in the bushes.  
  
Is that a broccoli popping out of a pineapple bush? A green-headed noodlebod? No, It is D _r. Ananas ananas connoisseur,_ as Sehun liked to call himself. _No, noone asked for an extended introduction, Sehun._  
  
Though one would be more inclined to call the real owner of the farm using Sehun's self-awarded title, the owner prefers to stay away from self-aggrandizing, given his self-affacing character.  
  
"That's an awful lot of 'self's!"  
  
_Shut up, Sehun, noone asked for your opinion. Go back to being the dumb blonde of EXO or something._  
  
Sehun picked up a pineapple. "EXO?"  
  
_Huh? You don't kn- Ah, right. Sorry, wrong AU!_  
  
“AU?”  
  
_What? You gotta be kidding me. You don’t know AU? Wait-Oh God! What if the real world is just another AU and in real life EXO was a[fruit basket](http://thebaekfest.livejournal.com/8927.html)?_

Sehun gingerly held his pineapple in one hand, and scratched his head with the other. “I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  
_Phss, phss._ He heard some rustling behind him.

  
*

  
“How I wish this was Hawaiiiiiiiiiii!” Luhan said as he woke up, “The climate there is infinitely better than this place. And my pineapples might grow better too!” _Where did he actually live, by the way?_

  
He got ready in less than 10 seconds like a true farmer and bounded across the green hills and fields of other farmers to finally reach his pineapple farm, which was strategically placed on the south-facing portion of the low hill, to get more sunlight. Like every intelligent farmer in the Northern Hemisphere ought to do, but did not. Apparently, 9th grade Geography was not high on everyone’s priority list.

  
He suddenly spots a green-haired noodlebod between his pineapple bushes. _Has he finally discovered the reason behind the unexplainably mysterious disappearances of the very best pineapples from his farm?_

  
He thinks so. Incidentally, the green-haired noodlebod was also holding a pineapple. One of his very best. _Wait- was that man talking to himself?_

  
He stalked over to explain how aggrieved he is at finding out that a lunatic with green hair is stealing his pineapples. His very best. And that is exactly when the noodlebod gained some sense, and whipped around to see him.

  
*

  
Like I said, Sehun heard some rustling. Sehun _did_ expect to be caught one day or the other. It was just inevitable. What he did not expect was this small man who looked like a cute doll. Except this cute doll was scarier than the creepy doll in Annabelle. He was also cute, but that was secondary. Sehun decided to run for his dear life.

  
He gave chase to the angry farmer waving his straw hat in an intimidating manner. _Is that a kind of dating? Sehun, did I just catch you saying that you wanted to date him?_

  
“No, I didn’t! Lord, you’re more embarrassing than my Hello Kitty boxers!”

  
Sehun just realized the gravity of the statement he had just released. He dropped the pineapple, and tried to run again after a second, but he tripped. Over the pineapple. _Oh, God._

  
*

  
Luhan expected the noodlebod to be a little faster. I mean, look at those long arms, long legs and athletic body. He didn't expect to get to him so fast. The noodlebod hadn't run four steps and he was already lying on the ground panting heavily, after having screamed something like _my Hello Kitty Boxers._

 

  
"Why are you taking my pineapples?"

*

Sehun tried to play dead, he really did. But panting like a horse did not help his case.

_Horses? Horses run races. Did you know ostriches run races too? And if they lose, they get really damn depressed and they stick their head in the mud. And they choke. And die._

 

“How did you know I wanted to die?”

_It’s just another one of my mundane specialities._

Well, if panting like a horse gave away his non-dead state of affairs, shouting out that he did, indeed, want to die, made him seem more _alive_ , if not anything more or less than that.

"I’ll repeat myself once again, or I’m reporting this to the village head. Why did you steal my pineapples?” Luhan reiterated, saying each word clearly while simultaneously recording it on his ancient-looking tape recorder. _Where did you get that antique piece, bro? I’ve been searching for it since more than seven years to add it to my collection._

“Who are you?” Clearly shocked out of his wits, since he was hearing the bodyless voice for the first time.

_I don’t know it myself. “Who am I?” An enigmatic question which has mocked millions of His offspring. I’m trying to find out too, baby, I’ve been trying, just like many others._

Luhan was pleased by the endearment. _The Voice had more politeness than a certain pineapple-thief._ “But who are you? I’m Lu-

“You can hear him too? Oh my goodness, I thought I was the only one. I’m Sehun, pleased to meet you.” Sehun held out his hand, with bright shining eyes, albeit still lying flat on the ground.

Luhan took his hand into an overly firm handshake. “And I’m Luhan, pleased to inform you that I’ll be taking you to the village head, on account of trespassing and forceful entry, unlawful misappropriation of property, and spreading brain disease.”

Sehun looked down to see that the overly firm handshake was actually a pair of flimsy steel handcuffs with shiny pink fluff covering them _. Is this guy the fashion police or something? But are straw hats even in fash-_

“Nah. Just an old gift from my boyfriend who has this weird kink. I don’t even know why they so conveniently appeared in my pocket just now."

_OH MY GOD SEHUN THIS IS YOUR CHANCE. You got a cute gay guy who hates the bdsm thing! Charm him alreadyyyyyyy-_

Sehun was blushing. Luhan was going bananas. Being the resourceful person he is, Luhan would have tried to harvest those bananas too. But he didn't. Because he was really going bananas, or, to put it across more delicately, _out of character_. Due to an unexplainable mysterious bodyless voice who was nothing but a catastrophic embarrassment to everyone present in the universe.

*

Luhan was severely embarrassed. He tugged on Sehun's hand and bounded over to the north-facing portion of the hill. Where the unsuccessful opium farm of the village head was situated. The only reason why he was village head was that he owned the only gun in the entire village. The gun, which hung proudly in the living room next to the doorway, had no bullets in it, but the head wasn't telling anyone that delicious piece of goss anytime now.

  
Luhan reached entered the gates which had stone gargoyles facing each other. He always thought them extremely creepy, like they were always talking to each other behind everyone's backs.

  
  
He finally reached the tall and wide door with an elaborate mural of a fire-breathing dragon. He knocked. Sehun stood behind, meekly. Being handcuffed with Annabelle was not a nice experience.  
  
There was some shuffling heard behind the door. Luhan was greeted by the face of a wide-eyed gentleman with suspiciously swollen lips. Wearing slacks and a white dress shirt. Which were hastily buttoned the wrong way.  
  
"Chanyeol! What are you doing here?" Luhan was definitely not pleased by the sight of his boyfriend in the village head's house, obviously screwing, or _trying_ to screw the latter.  
  
"I have a complaint to lodge with the village head concerning the theft of my unharvested produce." Luhan spoke coldly, and bitingly.  
  
"Who's at the door?" Kris steps into the living room, and Luhan can see him behind Chanyeol, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist and- _Wait, are those a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs?_  
  
Oh, God. Luhan did not want to see Chanyeol just then. Alive.  
  
He entered and lifted his hand, pulling up Sehun's unwilling hands along, which were painfully dangling in those pink handcuffs.  
  
"What do you want?" Kris sounded very dominating, though clad in nothing more than a towel and an embarrassing sex prop.  
  
*  
  
"What do you think of that weird green noob? Isn't it weird? Being so tall and athletic, and being handcuffed by that pineapple-farming Barbie." Baekhyun said to Kyungsoo. His neck was aching. Being eternally attached to an elaborate entryway by the neck was painful, and being made of fucking _granite_ was not easy either. He massaged his nape with hypothetical hands and looked at Kyungsoo, who was thoughtfully staring at the scene unfolding at the doorway.  
  
"Hm." He said, after giving a full two minutes of thought before releasing this carefully worded statement.  
  
Baekhyun wished he had more intelligent company. It was definitely more fun in his warehouse days, when he could spend his days chatting away with Jackson, the steel leopard. Unfortunately, Jackson was bought away by a rich Chinese heir, Zitao. Baekhyun coped with the sadness by making friends with Amber and Hyolyn, the stone ponies. But sadness struck again when he was shipped away to some obscure village with an extremely silent and creepy carbon-copy gargoyle, whose name (as he learnt after three weeks of intensive interrogation) was Kyungsoo.  
  
Kyungsoo was good company, who listened to Baekhyun's annoying ramblings sometimes, but mostly he just stared into the distance, hoping that the cute brown llama he saw grazing the fields two years ago would return. 'Kai', was its name. He learnt the name when he heard the herder's uncle's best friend's brother-in-law's daughter saying it. Kyungsoo was totally _not_ creepy.  
  
Baekhyun saw Kyungsoo's eyes widen as he stared at the doorway. Baekhyun turned to see what was worse than the battle of Waterloo.  
  
Barbie was pointing a gun at at a naked man in pink handcuffs, and Green Noob was trying hard to restrain him. Naked Man was also screaming at Barbie. _I dare you to shoot me! Shoot meeeeee~_ Good-looking Tall Guy was also restraining Naked Man with all his energy, shouting, _Luhan, no! Don't kill him! It isn't what you think! It isn't a permanent thing! We were both just drunk and it got out of contr-_  
  
Naked Man looked nonplussed. He slumped down, like someone sucked the life out of him. Barbie stalks out, with Green Noob in tow. Good-looking Tall Guy crouched down in front of Naked Man, who was now crying.  
  
*  
  
Sehun was having the weirdest day of his life so far. Coming from a person who owns a pineapple research lab and a llama training institute, that was a lot. He tried to _borrow_ a pineapple, ended up being caught and dragged to the village head's house, witnessed an almost-massacre, and was now sitting in front of his pineapple freeze-storage facility, comforting a stranger whom he now knows as _Luhan_ , with awkward pats on the back, and a bowl of his _All-new pineapple pop-nuts_ , a health-snack developed by his R&D team, which was set to hit stores this May 2nd, on his funding partner's birthday. There was going to be a launch party too. _Zitao's extravagance really knew no bounds._  
  
"So, um- How do you feel now?" Sehun started, awkwardly. Years of staying closed-off , or within the bounds of his scientific fraternity led him to be as inexperienced as a coffinnail in dating.  
  
"I'm fi-" Luhan faltered. "I'm not so fine, really. But thanks for the...uh...pineapple chips?"  
  
Sehun chuckled a bit, "You mean my _All-new pineapple pop-nuts_ , you won't get them in anywhere else. For now."  
  
"For now?" Luhan raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I mean, this product has not yet been released to the public. Yet. We have all the licences. It's just the matter of a few more formalities."  
  
"Oh. Nothing beats my farm's fresh pineapples though." Luhan mused.  
  
"Yes, that is true. But not everyone is lucky enough to own a farm, and this is the closest they can-  
  
"So you _have_ tasted my pineapples. Which means you _have_ stolen them."  
  
"What? No-" Sehun rebutted, futilely.  
  
"Just 'fess up already. I forgive you." Luhan laughed. _Sehun felt like the day when his dad agreed to let him be a pineapple scientist, or like that time when a baby llama was born to one of his trainee llamas. He saw stars._  
  
*  
  
Luhan looked fondl-, erm, sorry, with _interest_ , at the cut-, erm, sorry again, _intriguing_ boy in front of him. The kid was now just staring back at Luhan like he was a fresh pineapple, mouth watering _just_ slightly.  
  
"Hey", Luhan waved his hand in front of the other's eyes. "You okay?"  
  
_"Never been better."_  
  
"Um, okay..." Luhan stood up to leave. He felt good, but still, a bit awkward at being stared at so gormlessly, "I think I need to get going. Bye."  
  
_"Okay."_  
  
*  
  
As he left the high-tech pineapple freeze-storage facility, Luhan felt weird. _Light_. Like today was actually _not_ a bad day. Even though today was the day he confronted a thief, got cheated on, and shot a man. Well, the last one made him laugh. He _did_ try to shoot the brainless village head, but the gun had no rounds in it. Hah. To think that the whole village had been afraid of a stupid man because of a blank gun. Luhan felt stupid. But mostly, he just felt light, and cozy. _And it wouldn't be wrong to say that it's because of a green-headed noodlebod._  
  
"Nobody asked you!" Luhan snapped. At the air in general. Because he doesn't know who it is.  
  
_Ah, young love._  
  
*  
  
"So...the launch party is going to be held at your place?" Sehun spoke into his phone.  
  
"Yeah. On May the 2nd. You know it all. Bring a date, or a pet." Said a feline voice.  
  
"What?" Sehun was a bit taken aback. _Was Zitao mocking him?_  
  
"Yes, I'm serious. I know y'all in the scientific fraternity don't really have the time", Zitao continued, "or the talent, to get yourself a date."  
  
_What the actual flowering fuck?_ If Zitao wasn't his funding partner, Sehun would have locked him up in the pineapple freeze-storage, and would have cut him up and added him to a _Microwaveable Ready-to-eat Hawaiian BBQ Chicken Pizza_ , and would have sold him to Chanyeol. And he would let Chanyeol choke on it. Two birds with one stone. Luhan would be appreciative of it, he was sure. _But would he be appreciative if you asked him out to the party?_  
  
"Oh, shut up! _Noone_ asked you."  
  
But Zitao was right. Being all wrapped up in his research, Sehun neither had the time, nor did he have the talent to get himself a date. He sometimes liked to think that he had _the looks_ to get a date, but that was sometimes questionable too, especially when he went into the village streets looking like [Albert Einstein's not-so-popular cousin.](http://41.media.tumblr.com/074f4d371f44e93e8536460730b2dce0/tumblr_mz4vzwxsrD1t3jcb6o1_500.jpg)  
  
Sehun used bet his life saying that there was nothing in the world as interesting as pineapples and llamas, but he wasn't so sure anymore. And he definitely did not want the entire world to know that his date was his cute pet snake _Abracadacobra_.  
  
*  
  
Yet again, it was just another early day at _Ananas_ farm, and Luhan, having gotten ready like a true farmer, bounded towards the south-facing side of the low hill, towards his farm. What was that suspiciously green round thing bobbing around in his bushes?  
  
The suspicious green bob turned around. _Thank God, it was just the cute kid, Sehunnie_  
  
_Luhan, did you just say 'cute kid'? And 'Sehunnie'? Huh? Huh? HUH? OKAY IMMA TELL HIM RIGHT AWAY K BYEEE-_  
  
"Would you just stay where you are for a moment and let our story go on as planned, without you trying to speed things up? Look, maybe this is all very entertaining to Your Highness, but it is not to me. You make me feel like a pawn in your games and you better just shut up."  
  
_Bu- But I'm the narrator, you see. I'm allowed to be a douche. And how did you know that I'm a king?_  
  
"A king? Well, unfortunately, I'm not from your kingdom, and maybe it's just my _wonderful luck_ that I happen to be governed by my cheating ex's new boyfriend."  
  
Luhan walked over to _his Sehunnie._  
  
*  
  
Sehun had been waiting for almost an hour, and he was about to give up.  
  
_But, hey. You went in at like 5:30 AM. Who in their right mind would be awake at such an ungodly hour? Who?_  
  
"Oh. Is it?"  
  
Sehun heard someone creeping towards him. He was a bit scared. The sun hadn't really come out completely. It was the witching hour of dawn, when everything in nature seemed more dramatic than it usually is. For example, even Sehun's non-existent love-life seemed more of a distant possibility than a written off idea.  
  
He turned around. He saw Luhan give off a small smile, only to immediately shoot off into an angry incoherent soliloquy. Sehun felt a bit like a creep for having creeped around in someone else's farm at this time. Though he does not personally like to address Luhan as just another "someone else".  
  
"Hey", he started, somewhat breaking Luhan's speech.  
  
"Hey", he responded, with the small smile Sehun was growing to love, and he rathered liked to think that the reason for that smile was him.  
  
_The reason for his smile is you, you idiot. Don't be so doubtful about it._  
  
Sehun was nonplussed, and Luhan's cheeks started looking like naughty flamingoes.  
  
"Just, uh, don't mind him. Heheh." Luhan said, quite abashed.  
  
_Don't mind me? DON'T MIND ME? Do you have any idea what an atrocious sentence you have uttered? DO YOU?_  
  
"Huh? Okay", Sehun said, quite _not_ getting the situation, as he was a little slow on the uptake sometimes. "Anyways, I was wondering if you'd like to attend the launch party of my _All-new pineapple pop-nuts_?"  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"You see, my company is launching a new health snack, and we're having a party and-  
  
"You. Are having a launch party. For a pack of pineapple chips. Wow. I can't imagine the scale of your wedding, then, if you hold parties to _share chips."_ Luhan deadpanned.  
  
Oh. My. God. Luhan was talking about his wedding. Did he have any idea that Sehun _sometimes_ fancied Luhan next to him on that fateful day? Did he? _It's okay, Sehun. Don't let your heart go into overdrive AND JUST ASK HIM OUT ALREADY,_ Sehun said to himself.  
  
"Look", Sehun started again, a bit breathless this time around. "It's also my friend's[Funding partner, Sehun, funding partner. That bastard lost his status as a friend when he mocked you like that] birthday, and I'd like you to attend."  
  
"Why should _**I**_ attend _**your**_ friend's birthday party? Where you _just so_ happen to be sharing, oh, I'm sorry, _releasing_ , your chips?"  
  
"LOOK. I'M TRYING TO ASK YOU OUT!"  
  
"Oh. _Oh._ "  
  
*  
  
It was around 9 PM on May the 2nd. Everyone was fashionably arriving late, and Jackson sat at the entryway of the grand white mansion, smiling at everyone. _Wow. So many new people. Will Baekhyun come too?_  
  
There was a huge wide red carpet spread out all the way from the entrance of the white mansion, from the entryway where Jackson sat, through the stone walkway through the verdant lawns, up the marble steps, into the large hall, through its centre, all the way up to the stage, where there was a long table with mics on it. And there were many chairs in the front, beside the carpet, upon which were seated noisy and nosy people with clipboards and long cameras, shooting questions and taking notes. The important-looking people seated at the table on the stage were answering the repetitive questions as calmly as they could. _A press conference?_  
  
Jackson kept smiling at the people. He suddenly saw a man in a waiter's uniform trudge towards him. _You wanna chat?_  
  
The waiter showed no change of expression at his friendly invitation for a conversation and unceremoniously picked him up. _Oh no. Put me down, you nasty man. Do you know you're showing my muddy ass to all the guests who are entering? PUT ME DOWN! This is **so** disgraceful, ugh._  
  
The waiter again showed no visible response to his pleadings and he just heaved again, because, Jackson the steel leopard was hella heavy.  
  
_Suffer, you deplorable human. May carrying my weight be your punishment._  
  
Jackson was so entrenched in his sufferings and his disgraceful exit from his comfortable entryway position, that he did not realize he was now next to his master, Zitao, in the front of the stage. _Oh, now the bastard who separated me from Baekhyun is petting me. Pretentious asshole._  
  
But now, at least he had a view of the entire scene at the party. There was an important looking tall man with an equally tall but more smiley, friendly, and clumsy man in tow. It looked like the man just heard something extremely disgraceful from a short man in a white suit. He cocked his ears. Jackson was a sucker for gossip.  
  
"What? No- How did you get to know?" the tall man squawked out.  
  
"Well, don't feel offended or anything, but I _did_ pull the trigger on you, and I was quite disappointed when there were no rounds inside the gun. Ha! But, I think, looking back upon it, it is eternal ammo against you. Sad for you, Chrissy. Just make sure you don't displease me, otherwise your post as "village head" will be down the drain in no time."  
  
A green-headed tall noodle-like man walked over to the trio. "Lu. Come on. This is a _party_. Stop threatening everyone you meet!"  
  
"Only if you ask me out to dance." _Ooh, do I smell a coquette?_  
  
"Uh...I don't think I want to dance in front of everyone...."  
  
"You just turned me down. If you weren't so good-looking, I'd stomp out NOW, Oh Sehun. I'll lead you. Come on." They trudged over to the dancefloor, immediately grooving suggestively to the beat, leaving a despondent-looking tall man, and the clumsy man was giving awkward pats on his shoulder. "It's okay, babe. Luhan won't really do anything. Trust me. Or he might. I don't really know. It's okay."  
  
"This is _ALL_ your fault, Chanyeol!"  
  
Clumsy just looked down sheepishly, but he looked up again. "Babe, come on. This is a party! And I think the little birthday gift you gave should please Zitao. Which should please his best friend Sehun too. And Sehun can calm Luhan down! Be optimistic!"  
  
"Okay", Tall man said, still unconvinced. They walked off.  
  
Zitao was walking towards Jackson with a waiter. The waiter was holding a large box. _With something heavy,_ Jackson thought. _Look at the peasant heave._  
  
They placed the box down next to Jackson. He felt familiar to the box as soon as it settled down, like he knew the box. But he couldn't put his finger on it.  
  
"I'll have you place my leopard at the fountain in front of the mansion. And you should install the stone thing at the head of the fountain."  
  
"Shall I bring the masons tomorrow, sir?"  
  
"Have I ever given you any time frame for my orders to be completed?"  
  
"No, sir."  
  
"Which means...?" Zitao asked, quite threateningly. The waiter looked like he peed his pants.  
  
".....which means you want them complet-  
  
"Now! DO IT NOW! Bring your masons or farmers or accountants or whatever, I want it completed _Now."_  
  
The poor waiter scampered off. Jackson still wondered what might be in the box, but he kept quiet.  
  
A couple of uniformed men came around three minutes later and lifted Jackson and the box off the floor. Jackson was curious.  
  
They put him down near the fountain and opened the box. _Something grey, I see. Is that granite?_  
  
The workers slowly turned it and placed it on the ground. A sleepy granite gargoyle was next to him. _Hmmpf?_  
  
Jackson could not believe his glass eyes. _BAEKHYUN!!!!!!_  
  
The gargoyle immediately rose from his hypothetical stupor. _Hm?_  
  
_BAEKHYUNNIEEEEE!!!!!!_ Jackson was jumping with excitement, if steel leopards could do that.  
  
_MY BOY JACKSON-AHHHHHHH!!!!!!_ Baekhyun literally screamed, like a gargoyle screams.  
  
_How've you been the past three years, my boiiii~~~_  
  
_Never felt better than today in all my life, Jackson-ah!!! By the way,_ Baekhyun's stone eyes gleamed conspiratorially, _How are the stewardesses around here?_  
  
_Good enough, I guess. Sunny has really nice legs, you know._  
  
_Ah, you lucky soul, placed on the ground, you can look straight into their skirts if you wanted to. YOU LUCKY ASS!!!!_ Baekhyun gave him a hypothetical fist bump.  
  
And they chattered happily into the night, beyond midnight, when, if one would look closely into the corner of the dancefloor where the light of the discoball doesn't reach, one can see a short barbie-man pinning a green-headed hottie onto the wall and eliciting unheard sounds into the neon-filled night.  


 

Fin.


	2. Title: पांच दिन: पञ्च परमेश्वर का रूपांतरण [Five Days: An adaptation of Panch Parmeshwar]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i dont know what came over me. this was a plot bunny. i just had to write it. enjoy. hope yall like it :D
> 
> Panch Parmeshwar[also known as 'God lives in the Panch'] is an undying classic in Hindi literature by [Munshi Premchand](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premchand). The title and some imagery are taken from this great story. I don't recommend reading the [original story](http://mptbc.nic.in/books/class9/enggt9/ch5.pdf) first, because _my_ story is nothing compared to it. //cries.
> 
> * * *

**April the 7th.**

He was in Luhan's farm. It had been almost an year of happy blissful dating, though interspersed by the bodyless voice cheering and screaming about _How great you look with each other!!! I totally ship you!!!! OMG OTP FEELLZZZ~~~_

Sehun had been waiting for more than an hour. _It is indeed beyond me, why does he show up so early? So that he won't get stood up? Won't that increase his heartbreak, if he_ is, _indeed, stood up?_

"Oh, would you shut up? Luhan's never stood me up before. And it's his own farm-

"Hey", said a voice from behind. Sehun turned to see Luhan giving him a small smile. Sehun decided _this_ is what he liked most about Luhan. Not his beauty, his intelligence, his farm, his kisses. All this can be lost, but not his smile.

_"Hi~~"_

Luhan saw Sehun staring at him like a foolish lover from those Bollywood movies, where he stares _only_ at the girl and not at the train which is about to ram him. Luhan felt weird. _Light._ He felt like flying. He wanted to cancel today's agenda he had for Sehun and  just wanted to carry him home, dump him on his bed and shower him with kisses. Most importantly, he felt _loved._

But he continued, a little harshy, to conceal his fluffy feelings for the other. "I need you to stay away from me for the next five days. No excuses."

"What?!" Sehun was flabbergasted."But it's my birthday in 5 days!" Sehun had fantasized so much about that day. He even purchased kitty ears and a golden sequined babydoll to make the day special, when he saw Luhan grooving to [that Babydoll Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kShTN0Jz6Jg). Even though the babydoll was tight around his broad chest and shoulders, and he had to drop oranges into the bra-cups of the babydoll(for the complete effect), he felt it was worth the effort. When he wanted an exchange from the online retailer, they gabbled on about chest sizes and cup sizes and how it is practically impossible for a woman to have 38AAA bra size. Yes, Sehun had impersonated a woman to buy it.

Luhan's firm words broke Sehun's reverie."Look, consider it as your gift to me. Stay away from me for five days. Starting from today."

"Don't people give _me_ gifts on my birthday? Forget it. Don't people give _me_ gifts,no matter what?" Sehun was getting rather indignant.

"I said, _starting from now._ Get out before I press charges of trespassing and entering on you, _again_." Luhan sounded more cruel than Hitler.

"No. Give me a reason." Sehun was not a pliable piece of clay. He was iron, _metal_ , **_steel_.** But even steel bends in the furnace.

"Get out!!!!" And Luhan literally pushed him all the way out the gates of his farm.

Sehun was embarrassed. And indignant. And vengeful.

 _"I'll get back at you for this."_ He whispered and walked away, mind filled with _red._

Luhan breathed a sigh of relief when Sehun was out of sight. He ran all the way to his house and got dressed and freshened up. He was going to meet someone. _Minseok, was that his name?_ He chose among his meagre collection of suits, and ended up choosing the white one he'd worn at _that_ party with Sehun. He took out his tractor and drove all the way to the only pineapple research lab in the world.

He drove his red tractor through the mud roads of the village, feeling sweaty and suffocated. Apparently, riding a tractor in the hot sun, wearing a goddamn suit wasn't a good choice. He heaved a sigh of relief when he reached his destination. It was a big, glassy, sciency-looking building. He hoped it had air-conditioning, something he was too stingy to buy. It had advertisements of the newly-released _Pineapple Marshmallow pop-nuts._ Whatever _that_ was. But he trusted that it was tasty. Sehun's previous _All New Pineapple pop-nuts_ had been a phenomenal success, not only in the village, but also in the entire country.

He walked through the glass doors and his jaw dropped. Hundreds of people wearing white coats were bustling around the entire bulding, holding pineapples, glass contraptions, odd liquids in equally oddly-shaped glass containers and whatnot. _Where is Minseok?_

Someone in a white coat, finally, had the kindness to bound over to him and talk to him. "Excuse me, may I know why you're here?"

Luhan was too wonderstruck by the weird arrangement in the bespectacled scientist's hand, to answer the question. It was a large pineapple with syringe needles and tubes stuck in it.

Realization dawned upon the scientist. _Wasn't this the man Sehun was seen with, multiple times, and in an_ extremely _compromising position, last year, at the launch party?_ He looked at him with interest. "Are you looking for Sehun? I'm really sorry, he isn't here at the moment. Do you want me to drop a mes-

"No. _Minseok._ I want to meet Minseok." Luhan regained his usual rough behaviour.

"I'll take you to him. Follow me. Luhan followed the scientist into a small steel box. The scientist pressed a button which said "24", and it glowed red.  And then the box started moving, Luhan felt like gravity was slowly losing power. Suddenly the steel box lurched to a stop. Luhan felt like hurling all over the scientist's pretty white coat. Luhan slowly calmed down his heart while he followed the scientist to a large door which had _"Kim Minseok - Head of R &D" _on a brass plate. He was about to enter, when the scientist stopped him and told him to wait a second. The scientist entered first. Luhan could hear their voices through the thin plywood door anyway.

"Sir, I think Dr. Sehun's boyfriend wants to meet you." Whitecoat said.

" _Hm?_ He has a boyfriend?" A mysterious tight voice replied.

"Yes, sir. Don't you remember the one from the party...."

 _"Aaaaah"_ , Tightvoice replied, as though he just attained Nirvana. "Now I get it. Tell him to come in, Junmyeon."

Whitecoat Junmyeon's head poked outside the door. "Come in, sir."

Luhan entered, and Junmyeon left with a tiny greeting.

Luhan faced Tightvoice Minseok. A rather small, but well-built man, with large eyes and a gummy smile. "How may I help you, sir?"

"Look, you're the one who concocts all the recipes in this pineapple chip factory, right?" Luhan asked him, with the tone of those mafia bosses who take collections from businesses running in "their" territory.

"Yes, you can put it that way. Though I prefer being referred to as _Head of R &D_." Minseok replied, with a slight wince in his voice.

" _Whatever_. Now listen to me _very carefully._ I need you." Luhan looked around cautiously, though there was noone else in the room. He went closer to Minseok and started telling him _everything._

§

**April the 8th.**

Sehun was at his pineapple freeze-storage facitlity, examining some pineapples which had suspicious green stains all over them. "Is this  _Penicillium spp_? Penicillium rot? On our pineapples? I thought we had ordered them with the special antigen injected - looks like we paid so much for no-

"Sir, upon closer examination, we can see that the rot was not caused by the pineapple itself. Extracts from the mid-portion of the mold show that the mold spread from a glop of pure orange concentrate to the pineapple. Maybe the orange concentrate was expired, and the mold which was growing in its culture spread to the pineapple." _Head of Storage systems_ , Kim Junmyeon said.

"Yes. It is true that I rather like drinking orange squash once in a while, since it is my second most favourite fruit, but I never bring it to my facility. I do have an ongoing project in my home-lab concerning an Orange-pineapple fusion health snack, but I have never, upon my principle, brought my concentrate _here_." Sehun promised upon his precious trainee llamas.

"Sir. Please do not misunderstand. I do not mean to allege that _you_ are the reason for this damage. It is indeed a first time occurence, and it could have been caused by anyone, maybe even Yixing from Apparatus Department, or Minseok from R&D, it could have been anyone, sir. We'll take extra precau-

"Where is Minseok? I need to see him _now_." Sehun had a dangerous edge to his voice, and Junmyeon did not want to break the bad news to him, fearing for his life. He led a bordering-on-murderous Sehun to Zhang Yixing from the Apparatus Department, who was unaffected by everything in life, and flew into a tempestuous rage only when any one of the complicated apparati in the lab broke apart. Which was a rare occurrence in Sehun's meticulous lab filled with scientists who worked at the precision of Swiss clockwork.

Sehun stared at Yixing, working on the new lab shipments, oblivious to Sehun's anger. "Sir, do you have something to tell me?" He said in a singsong voice.

"I need you to tell me something. Where is Minseok?" Sehun's inquired, barely containing the bite in his voice.

"Minseok? Oh, sir, he's actually taken an unprecedented five-day leave for personal reasons." Yixing had always been bad at reading people.  _Poor guy._

 _"WHY?"_ Sehun's decibel count rivalled a rogue elephant's frantic trumpeting.

Yixing was still calmly examining the shipments. "I don't really know, sir. He had a surprise visit from someone named.... _Luhan?_ I think that's his name. He visited Minseok's office, and Minseok promptly filed a leave application, and left with that _Luhan_ person in a tractor."

 _"WHAAAT?!!"_ Sehun smelled treason. He felt betrayal. He saw _red._

§

Sehun took hardly three minutes to reach the village head's mansion. He rapped on blue eye of the white dragon on the mural of the large door.

Kris opened the door. Sehun stood impatiently in the courtyard.

 _Hey, isn't this that boyfriend of Luhan. Asshole had the fucking nerve to threaten me. ME? What is this noob doing here anyway?_ Kris was filled with angry thought for the man in front of him. He stepped into his large courtyard, which had a banyan tree on one end. "What do you need?"

"I'm here to file a complaint." Sehun's voice was as cold as the Antarctic Desert.

"Wait here. I'll bring the application. You fill it in with the details, while I summon the entire village, and send out special invites to the village elders' council.

"Okay." Sehun waited. Kris hardly took a second to retrieve a document, which he started filling in with the ballpoint provided by Kris. Kris went in, and started frantically making calls to _God knows whom._

He filled it out, heart sinking, but hardening at the same time when he reread its contents.

Kris took the application from Sehun, as he informed him, "The public trial will be on the tenth of April. At five in the evening. The village elders, and the entire village will be present. Right here at this courtyard." Kris said, professionally.

"Then I'll be taking your leave." Sehun stalked off into the mud roads on the hot afternoon.

Kris laughed as he read the application of complaint.

 

 

 

> APPLICATION OF COMPLAINT
> 
> WU YIFAN'S JURISDICTION
> 
>   1. **Complainant name:** Oh Sehun
> 
>   2. **Complaint filed against:** Lu Han
> 
>   3. **On charges of:** Adultery and Mental Harrassment
> 
>   4. **Details of crime:** Luhan _freaking_ ran away with my employee, Minseok. While he is in a relationship with me. What more can be said of that ass-faced cheater cock.
> 
>   5. **Proof of crime:** Luhan's empty house. Minseok's leave application, Luhan's warning to me to keep away for five days, Minseok's conspicuous absence at workplace and in public, not to be seen anywhere. Obviously MIA.
> 
>   6. **Witnesses:** My employees at my pineapple research lab - Kim Junmyeon, Head of Storage systems, and Zhang Yixing, Head of Apparatus Department.
> 
>   7. **Date of Crime:** April the 7th, 2016.
> 
>   8. **Date of filing this complaint:** April the 8th, 2016.
> 
>   9. **Sign of complainant:** _Oh Sehun...._
> 
> 


Kris gave another small laugh as he read the complaint again, and again, finally laughing like a fucking maniac, not believing his luck.  _Luhan could possibly be banished from the village._

§

**Morning. April the 11th.**

Sehun was tense. He was standing in front of the entire village, seated on the ground in Kris's courtyard, in front of the banyan tree.

At the foot of the banyan tree, on a raised concrete platform, the village elders sat, with Kris at the center. _Why was Chanyeol next to him?_ On the left of the elders was Sehun, and on the right was Luhan, looking very ruffled, like he'd been pulled to this venue. He was still in his pyjamas and bed hair. Minseok was standing next to him, his gaze on the ground.

"The public trial may begin. May the complainant proceed." Kris said.

Sehun, stance wavering, and voice shaky, began, "I accuse Luhan, my boyfriend, of Adultery and Mental Harrassment. He has been staying with the other gentleman, Kim Minseok, my employee, for the past few days. Luhan ran away from me. He told me to stay away from him for five days, obviously a time for him and the other gentleman to enjoy some _together-time._ Kim Minseok's meeting with Luhan and subsequent departure from my pineapple research lab has been winessed by my employees, seated in the audience - Kim Junmyeon and Zhang Yixing. I have Minseok's application for leave in my possession, and his marked absence from public activities further prove my accusation that Minseok was also with Luhan the entire time."

"The accused may make a statement in defence. Or he can nominate a consenting person, from this gathering, to defend his case." Kris declared, voice clearly reaching everyone, though the crowd was gossipping hushedly.

Luhan was clearly shocked by the sentences falling out of Sehun's mouth. He whispered something to Minseok, and, clearing his throat, he said:

"It is true that I have been housing with Minseok for the past two days."

A gasp escaped each and everyone in the crowd, and Sehun, for a moment, his steely countenance looked like a heartbroken kicked puppy.

Luhan continued, unaffected, "But who is to prove that I have been cheating? _Oh Sehun?_ Who is to deem that I have been cheating? Who is to release this verdict? Kris? The village head who only owns a gun?"

Another collective gasp escaped the audience, as Kris looked visibly tense, gripping his forearms.

A man in the audience spoke up. "Of course he is our village head. He shall deem your cheating ass as worthy of punishment, or not."

Luhan tantalizingly continued, "But he _only_ owns a gun....."

"So? Do you own a gun? Does anyone else own a gun in this village? No, right? That is why he is our village head. That is why he deserves to judge your crime." The man spoke up faithully.

"You. Are not getting my point. He only owns the gun, and not the bullets in it! In fact, he doesn't have any bullet rounds to fire from his gun! He! Owns! A! _Blank!_ Gun!" Luhan declared, triumphantly. Minseok looked up at him with wide eyes.

The audience suddenly fell quiet. The calm before the storm.

Hardly five seconds of silence had passed, when people in the audience started throwing their shoes and slippers aimed at Kris, who promptly ran into his mansion and locked the door.

 _"EVERYONE!"_ A loud voice in deep baritone spoke up. It was Chanyeol. "As the legal nominee deemed to take over this case in any contingency, I, Park Chanyeol, order the assembly to _keep calm,_ or you risk charges of attempts to violence and obstruction of justice being pressed against yourself. _QUIET DOWN!"_

The audience fell silent again at the sight of a handsome tall man taking charge of situation.

Chanyeol discusses some points with the elders, unheard to the silent audience. Luhan looked nervously at his ex-boyfriend, hoping with all his heart that he doesn't decide against Luhan, just out of spite. He then turned to Sehun, who just stared with a steely gaze into the distance.

Chanyeol turned to the audience, and looked at Luhan and Sehun. He addressed the gathering:

"After looking through the complainant's application, and into the defence of of the accused, we have come to the conclusion, that the accused, Luhan, is innocent, as there is not enough evidence supporting that Luhan had committed Adultery. First off, Luhan and Sehun are not bound legally by marriage. Thus, the crime of Adultery is ruled out. Second, there is a lack of supporting evidence indicating that Luhan has mentally harrassed Sehun. Thus, citing a lack of solid supporting evidence, such as a videotape, audio recording, or a witness who speaks on oath that he has seen Luhan committing adultery, I hereby quash the charges against Luhan pressed by Sehun. Verdict given. Assembly adjourned."

Luhan looked at his ex-boyfriend in admiration. _So, it is true indeed. The judge knows no foe, the judge knows no friend. Nor does he know ex-boyfriend. The judge is indeed the voice of Justice._

Chanyeol gave a small smile to Luhan, and went over to Sehun. "Hey, I'm sure he isn't cheating on you. Just get back to him." Sehun gave a dismissive nod, and continued gazing into the distance, a gaze as cold as his pineapple freeze-storage. Luhan looked on with pity. _If only he knew._

Luhan walked to the pineapple freeze-storage facility with Minseok. They had been camping behind it, and had placed Luhan's truck outside Minseok's house that day as a decoy. "Everything is ready, right?" Luhan looked at him with a smile.

"Yes. Even your words are ready. Boy, isn't your boyfriend a feisty one!" Minseok laughed.

§

**Night. 11:56 PM. April 11th.**

It was just a few minutes to midnight. Sehun was supposed to have a fitful sleep. But he slept soundly. The relief washing over his being, that Luhan was proven innocent, that Luhan would not be banished, made him subconciously feel peaceful. Though his countenance when awake might have said otherwise. His even breathing was heard throughout the room, in pace with the ticking of his clock, slowly ticking towards midnight.

Gentle touches on his shoulder. Sehun just turns to his other side.

Gentle, but persistent nudges on his shoulder again. Insistent, needy, fond.

Sehun awoke. His eyes were still blurry. But he could see calm yellow spots of light all around his room. _Candles?_ He turned to lie on his back and rubbed his eyes. Fond doe-eyes looked into his, illuminated by tiny yellow candles atop a small round cake. _Was this a dream?_

He sat up and looked down at the cake. It was a cute round cake, yellow in colour, with wisps of orange swirling psychedelically in its icing, like orange-veined yellow marble. It had tiny pineapple-yellow candles around its edge. He knew there were twenty-two without counting. He smiled.

But, hey! Something's written in the middle, in orange~

 _To My love, Dr. Anans anans conoiser_ ❤

"What a cute spelling!" Sehun sighed to himself. He was about to blow out the candles. Luhan put a hand over his mouth and looked at the clock at his bedside table. A minute to midnight. _Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock._

"Now!" Luhan whispered encouragingly, as the clock _finally_ struck twelve after what seemed like an eternity.

Luhan removed his hands from Sehun's mouth. Sehun just stared at him, mouth slightly hanging open. "Blow it!" Luhan said again.

_"Huh?_ Uh...okay." Sehun dazedly blew out his candles. He looked up to see Luhan smiling at him. "Happy birthday, Sehun."

"H- How did all this-

"Well, Minseok and I camped outside your pineapple freeze-storage, and we created this cake for you. God, I tried so hard, and _finally_ I convinced him. Phew. It's pineapple, with a bit of orange, and hints of caramel. I remember you doing some weird experiments with oranges the other day, and drinking orange squash almost everyday, and Minseok added caramel because he said it would taste good. And _please please please_ don't fire him for this. He gave me the key to your ho-

Luhan stopped his monologue to see Sehun staring at him, mouth agape, not really listening to what he was saying. He looked into Luhan, fondly, with little stars in his eyes. His brown eyes looked into Luhan's eyes gormlessly, without a care in the world. Like only _he_ mattered in this entire world. He felt weird. _Light._ Like today _wasn't_ such a bad day. Like he _wasn't_ looking into the eyes of a guy who almost got him exiled. He felt like the whole world was at his feet. He decided, before plunging in for a kiss, that _this_ , this gormless gaze, was what he loved the most about _his Sehun._

Fin.


End file.
